I hate to admit it but I would have liked an invitation to the Royal Wedding. I certainly would have enjoyed the opportunity to observe at first hand all the pomp, prejudice and prickery that goes on in that dysfunctional family. (Not to mention that it would have … [Read more...] about No Invitation to the Royal Wedding
The Big Belly Gang
I was forcefully reminded of one more awful modern trend when the news broke that the Big Belly Gang had been rumbled. This heartless gang of ruthless shop lifters terrorised the shopping malls in Hangzhou, China, for more than ten years but the police, after months … [Read more...] about The Big Belly Gang
Don’t cry over spilled sherry
When you spill sherry on your lounge chair - hide it with a new cushion cover. See this? Simple. I have a couple of old bedcovers from the big double bed. I use those as sofa throws and people always comment on how nice my couch looks. If you're handy with the … [Read more...] about Don’t cry over spilled sherry
Get your freaking tin out of my face!
Some people are naturally generous. Or naturally naive. You know the type. Anyone rattles a tin at them on the street, they’ll fork over their spare change. The rattle produces a pure Pavlovian response in me. My blood pressure rises 10 points, my vision clouds with … [Read more...] about Get your freaking tin out of my face!
Daylight Saving in no time
Who invented Daylight Savings Time and more importantly why do I have to live with it? Twice a year, every year, I go a little crazy about the time. Some years ago I was time confused and fretful now I've learned not to take things too seriously these days. Once … [Read more...] about Daylight Saving in no time
Three Jesus Pizza
In another Holy World Tour gig, the face of Jesus has appeared on a three-cheese pizza made in Newfarm, Brisbane. Holey-Moley! And the image could have been yours if you made the highest bid on eBay. Someone is enjoying it anyway. It's already proven a good luck … [Read more...] about Three Jesus Pizza
Beer brings you back from the dead
Personally I can go without XXXX beer for an indefinite amount of time, like twenty years, but I may revise my opinion. A couple of stubbies of the Queensland beer brought a horse back from the dead which, you must admit, seems to denote a valuable quality in the … [Read more...] about Beer brings you back from the dead
Good Morning Sunshine
Would you believe I have a medical directive to spend 20 minutes in the sun each day? No, I'm not silly nor am I making it up. I have a Vitamin D deficiency. At my age to be told I have something not working right is pretty well par for the course, but I would … [Read more...] about Good Morning Sunshine
Fred the Baboon gets the chop
When you see a sign saying Don't Feed the Baboons, it means don't feed the baboons, but there's always some moron who reckons that the law doesn't apply to him. Baboons are protected in South Africa. You can't shoot them, but they really need protection from the … [Read more...] about Fred the Baboon gets the chop
My Famous Fishcakes
For over 50 years my fishcakes have been served up to thousands, from fussy children to their constantly-dieting mothers (modern women want to be gaunt). Even Gough Whitlam has munched on a couple of my fish cakes. The best way to use up leftover mashed … [Read more...] about My Famous Fishcakes
Extreme Bovine Bravado
It's just as well that Thorpie is returning to the pool for sprint events only, because Australian distance swimming has a bright new star . . . Danette the wonder cow. Danette, a Murray Grey, survived an epic 95km swim during the January floods. After being swept … [Read more...] about Extreme Bovine Bravado
Easter Chocolate
I'm going to make an absolutely over the top chocolate cake this Easter and amaze the grandkids with my prowess. Just sponge cake, chocolate icing and a few chocolate Easter Eggs plonked on the top. Fantastico! Simple enough. I can buy a sponge cake, they sell them … [Read more...] about Easter Chocolate
Pensioners and Police Clash
Greek Pensioners have more guts than my compatriots. Angry Pensioner Protesters clash with police in Greece. I don't blame them. … [Read more...] about Pensioners and Police Clash
Let’s go Dancing
After I mentioned the Playgrounds for Pensioners that are popping up all over the place, I received a charming letter from Frank, who would like to take me dancing. I may not be up to my old dancing style, Frank, indeed if I can even make it onto the dance floor, but … [Read more...] about Let’s go Dancing
Swinging Pensioners
Have you noticed the trend for pensioner playgrounds? There are a couple of them in England and Japan led the way back in 2004 calling the playgrounds 'nursing home prevention areas'. Now Marrackville Council has set one up.They have more Pops than Tots in Sydney's … [Read more...] about Swinging Pensioners
How far would you go?
I'm all for class action but I draw the line at kidnap and torture. Apart from my small but delightful fantasies of a blood-drenched former evangelical Prime Minister, I wouldn't really stretch a scumbag on the rack with my own hands. There's a limit after all. Not … [Read more...] about How far would you go?
Here we go again
Another go at reviving the old lady. But is it all working? As my Gran used to say .... … [Read more...] about Here we go again
Pensioner at Large
This plucky pensioner led police on a low-speed chase around Middlesbrough - and then gave officers the slip. The lukewarm pursuit started after he caused traffic chaos by crawling down the fast lane of a busy dual carriageway. Police asked the stubborn senior … [Read more...] about Pensioner at Large
Rubbish is in the eye of the Beholder
When you see someone searching through rubbish bins you probably have one of two reactions: pity or disgust. Save your reactions. It could be me. I am a student of Neology, the science of going through what people have thrown out on the street. As a pioneer … [Read more...] about Rubbish is in the eye of the Beholder
The Dancing Belly
I've taken up belly dancing. And now I know it's actually called Raqs Sharqi. What really impressed me was the flyer pushed through my letter box which clearly explained that ... Many see Raqs Sharqi as a woman's dance, celebrating the sensuality and power of being a … [Read more...] about The Dancing Belly