When you see a sign saying Don't Feed the Baboons, it means don't feed the baboons, but there's always some moron who reckons that the law doesn't apply to him. Baboons are protected in South Africa. You can't shoot them, but they really need protection from the … [Read more...] about Fred the Baboon gets the chop
Nostalgia
My Famous Fishcakes
For over 50 years my fishcakes have been served up to thousands, from fussy children to their constantly-dieting mothers (modern women want to be gaunt). Even Gough Whitlam has munched on a couple of my fish cakes. The best way to use up leftover mashed … [Read more...] about My Famous Fishcakes
How far would you go?
I'm all for class action but I draw the line at kidnap and torture. Apart from my small but delightful fantasies of a blood-drenched former evangelical Prime Minister, I wouldn't really stretch a scumbag on the rack with my own hands. There's a limit after all. Not … [Read more...] about How far would you go?
Pensioner at Large
This plucky pensioner led police on a low-speed chase around Middlesbrough - and then gave officers the slip. The lukewarm pursuit started after he caused traffic chaos by crawling down the fast lane of a busy dual carriageway. Police asked the stubborn senior … [Read more...] about Pensioner at Large
Rubbish is in the eye of the Beholder
When you see someone searching through rubbish bins you probably have one of two reactions: pity or disgust. Save your reactions. It could be me. I am a student of Neology, the science of going through what people have thrown out on the street. As a pioneer … [Read more...] about Rubbish is in the eye of the Beholder
Pensioner turns vicious
I see that Rosemarie Hamilton-Meikle, a normally placid pensioner of 80 good years, attacked 3 wild boars in Dartmoor, sending fear into the hearts of the savage beasts. The brutes had the ill-luck to come across her dachsund as he scuttered around under a bush. I … [Read more...] about Pensioner turns vicious
Blame the genes
My Grandmother could stop a brewery horse dead in its tracks. The havoc this caused is a story for another day, I only mention it because, although Nanna was a fine figure of a woman and red-headed to boot, she had a nasty reptilian look about the eyes. Now my … [Read more...] about Blame the genes
Suspicious smiling
I've been thinking about the poor soldiers in the impenetrable forests of giant marijuana. No one has told their superiors that marijuana combats Alzheimers disease. The effects are only beneficial for older people, or so I'm told, and that explains the preponderance of … [Read more...] about Suspicious smiling
Soldiers going potty in Afghanistan
I'm a bit worried about the soldiers. Apparently Canadian troops fighting in Afghanistan have encountered an unexpected and potent enemy -- almost impenetrable forests of 10-feet-high marijuana plants. These forests are used as cover for both sides, soldiers slip in … [Read more...] about Soldiers going potty in Afghanistan
Naps are fashionionable these days
I'm sure I read about these little napping machines in a sci fi novel many years ago when I was young. But this is a real appliance for people who are too busy to go to bed. Or for people to sleep at work. Before you wonder why people would be encouraged to sleep at … [Read more...] about Naps are fashionionable these days
The truth about safety pins
Absolutely anything could be inside your kitchen drawers, I had a good look inside mine this morning. For 10 seconds. That was quite enough, thank you very much. I can live with the mothballs and the old cat collars, but it's the safety pins that concern me.I have a … [Read more...] about The truth about safety pins
Stretching your mind with new sights
Sometimes I read things that would never cross my mind. Not even in a fit. Today I read one of those 'inspirational' desktop calendars (who gets to choose the quotes?) Just as we create flexibility in our bodies by stretching physically, we can create limberness … [Read more...] about Stretching your mind with new sights
Free Milk for Schools
Yesterday I touched on a subject which remains vividly in the memory of many readers. The Free Milk for Schools scheme. I'm not the only one who suffers recurring nightmares of forgetting to shake the bottle before opening and copping a mouthful of warm, lumpy … [Read more...] about Free Milk for Schools
Bye Bye Popeye
I'm shocked. Not so much by the news of the entire population of the North American continent going down with food poisoning from eating bagged spinach, but by the lack of respect shown to growing childen. One mother, Marina Zecevic, said she made the mistake of … [Read more...] about Bye Bye Popeye
… And not a drop to drink
It's time we started taking notice of a grave threat to the environment. The consumption of bottled water in this country has grown in the past 25 years from less than a million bottles a year to more than a billion per annum. It's estimated that about one-fifth of … [Read more...] about … And not a drop to drink
Longest dot com name in the world
My Council Home Help girl thought I was a bit looney-tunes when I said I would like a domain name called queenieofcollingwoodrulesok . com "That's too long Mrs O'Dwyer", she said with her innocent toothy smile, " Far too long."(Between you and me and the lamp-post, … [Read more...] about Longest dot com name in the world
The Rise and Fall of the Plastic Bag
Have you noticed how hard it is to get a plastic bag these days? When I was a young nipper we lugged the groceries home in big wicker baskets that scoured your hip and cut through your arm to the bone. Then, thanks to the miracles of modern technology, we got plastic … [Read more...] about The Rise and Fall of the Plastic Bag