I live near a football ground and, although I have nothing against football fans, sometimes their manners after a game aren't the best. Like taking a leak in my front garden. Well, I think I've found the answer. Austrian officials fed up with motorists stopping to … [Read more...] about Snake Sign Solution
Beautiful Cleo
I still say that Cleopatra was beautiful. I know there's been disparaging remarks made about her nose before, but this coin reveals that she had a pointed chin, thin lips and sharp, aqualine nose. Somewhat like myself in fact. Better than Marc Antony anyway, with his … [Read more...] about Beautiful Cleo
Pensioner turns vicious
I see that Rosemarie Hamilton-Meikle, a normally placid pensioner of 80 good years, attacked 3 wild boars in Dartmoor, sending fear into the hearts of the savage beasts. The brutes had the ill-luck to come across her dachsund as he scuttered around under a bush. I … [Read more...] about Pensioner turns vicious
Finally …
After over a month of fires, I have returned to my little cottage. In the old days, I would have been standing there with a wet bag on my head and another in my hands beating at the embers on the firebreak, but not these days. These days I get sent away instead. For … [Read more...] about Finally …
Time changes
I get so confused with my modern appliances. Especially when I have to adjust the time. I can change my bedside clock, that's just winding a few knobs at the back, but I don't even know how to open my kitchen clock. And I 've just noticed that everything has a … [Read more...] about Time changes
Lock up your livestock
Beryl, who goes to Bingo with me, firmly believes in the recent sightings of the BVM, but she's worried that her framed velvet Mary art and hot pink plastic rosaries won't save her budgerigars from the Chupacabra. Granted, the reports of mysterious Goatsuckers in my … [Read more...] about Lock up your livestock
Blame the genes
My Grandmother could stop a brewery horse dead in its tracks. The havoc this caused is a story for another day, I only mention it because, although Nanna was a fine figure of a woman and red-headed to boot, she had a nasty reptilian look about the eyes. Now my … [Read more...] about Blame the genes
Suspicious smiling
I've been thinking about the poor soldiers in the impenetrable forests of giant marijuana. No one has told their superiors that marijuana combats Alzheimers disease. The effects are only beneficial for older people, or so I'm told, and that explains the preponderance of … [Read more...] about Suspicious smiling
Soldiers going potty in Afghanistan
I'm a bit worried about the soldiers. Apparently Canadian troops fighting in Afghanistan have encountered an unexpected and potent enemy -- almost impenetrable forests of 10-feet-high marijuana plants. These forests are used as cover for both sides, soldiers slip in … [Read more...] about Soldiers going potty in Afghanistan
Thoroughly Modern Queenie
I've joined the modern age at last. I have a mobile phone, a DVD player and now a microwave oven. I resisted the oven for years. All those microwaves flying loose about the house, who knows what damage they could be doing and what awful consequences of random … [Read more...] about Thoroughly Modern Queenie
Naps are fashionionable these days
I'm sure I read about these little napping machines in a sci fi novel many years ago when I was young. But this is a real appliance for people who are too busy to go to bed. Or for people to sleep at work. Before you wonder why people would be encouraged to sleep at … [Read more...] about Naps are fashionionable these days
Misguided football followers
I have a new young lady in my front room. I'm assuming she's a lady because she dresses nicely, doesn't swear or spit and has a friendly rapport with her grandmother. But should I assume? Looking more closely she follows what is called a football team. Now, everyone … [Read more...] about Misguided football followers
More on alien abductions.
They are tiny. They are tall. They are gray. They are green. They are blue. They survey our world with enormous glowing eyes. To conduct their shocking experiments, they creep in at night to carry humans off to their spaceships. It's quite a disturbing trend these … [Read more...] about More on alien abductions.
BVM on eBay
She's turned up again. The BVM just can't help herself from manifesting to awestruck mortals the world over. Not content with recreating her appearance in melted chocolate, potatoes and rancid fat, she has given the world a new face on a "pool stick". I'm not sure … [Read more...] about BVM on eBay
Summer is i- cumen in. Lhude sing blowfly
Summer is i-cumen in –/ Lhude sing, blowfly!/ Groweth sed and bloweth med/ And springth the wude nu./ Sing, blowfly! Today I heard the first blow-fly of Summer. While people in other climes use swallows to signify the warmer season, here we know the … [Read more...] about Summer is i- cumen in. Lhude sing blowfly
Cross Dressing suspicions
I'm beginning to wonder about my fellow members of the Lawn Bowls Club Ladies Team. I read today that the Women's Dragon-boat Racing Team in China turned out to be men in wigs. It seems the Team was of composed of suspiciously big women with Adam's apples, and now I'm … [Read more...] about Cross Dressing suspicions
The truth about safety pins
Absolutely anything could be inside your kitchen drawers, I had a good look inside mine this morning. For 10 seconds. That was quite enough, thank you very much. I can live with the mothballs and the old cat collars, but it's the safety pins that concern me.I have a … [Read more...] about The truth about safety pins
By the light of the Moon
So it's all official now. The Moon drives us mad. I could have told them years ago. Forget the romance, string orchestras and soft moonlight. My dear departed always went a trifle dippy at the Full Moon. I used to keep a small amount of a cash in a vase to bail him … [Read more...] about By the light of the Moon
The Weeping Madonna from Bangkok
Patty Powell, Senior Traveller, picked up a fibreglass statue while passing through Bangkok, took it home, stuck it on a shelf and then forgot about it. But, in the middle of a hearty Spring Clean, he discovered a miracle. The statue was crying! Patty, to give him … [Read more...] about The Weeping Madonna from Bangkok
She’s back!
The much-travelled Blessed Virgin Mary, fondly known as the BVM in my schooldays, has returned to bring a little light into the otherwise dreary lives of otherwise dreary ordinary people. This time she's appeared in the fat, grease and grunge at the bottom of a … [Read more...] about She’s back!